kudzu ate the day

I finally did a wedding right and am now struggling to recover. My last memories are falling down in kudzu, maybe screaming something about being eaten alive. Chardonnay (bottles and bottles of it) is a bitch's brew.

My most recent major decision is to look for opportunities abroad rather than in the country. Not necessarily job opportunities, but some way of travel that is purposeful rather than pure vacation. I'd like to do some WWOOFing and volunteer work. Mostly, I just want to go. So the time to save money is now. I am approaching 30 with every day and suddenly the reality of having a partner and thinking about settling down and popping out a baby is apparent, which is pretty exciting. But I don't want to get trapped into thinking I have to do that right away before I get to do a little global travel and then never do it and die resenting myself. If anyone knows any travel tips, please indulge me.

bubble

Contentment bubbles past anxiety easily, and comfortable again, I think that this is what I always wanted but couldn't see that I already owned, this falling asleep together listening to cars make waves against Poplar Ave, a splashing of traffic that gives you beach dreams and reminds me of swimming off Cape Hatteras.

power fail

This was a long and whining post about work and tiredness and uncertainty and fear. I just can't put you through that. We are in flux, aren't we? It was so good for a few weeks. It will come back. 

busy

I have been meaning to post about domestic bliss and UTIs, which are by no means mutually exclusive. But I am just too into sitting on the porch with my man and working and all that stuff that keeps me too busy to write. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a picture of Will holding an oil-stained American flag, piss orange, and go to a wedding cake tasting. And later eat pizza. Oh, day!

plateau

I am just wondering if there is a point when the anxiety will go away without drugs or booze. I realize this is a generalization, but I would like to feel overall okay, not always on the bounce from wonderful to worried back to wonderful back to worried. I feel like if I can just reach a plateau of calm, everything would shift in perspective and it would all make sense. I am ready to search for something bigger, to learn more, to be more. But I am stuck thinking about small things, worrying and picking apart the things that in the bigger picture don't so much matter. How to get free?

Here's just another of those redundant blog entries.

damn the punctuation

Out of all this aloneness come two days of kissing and time well spent, and after that a great sense of comradery and plans! Actual plans! with a fantastic (I was told I can no longer use the word *fabulous*) group of women to whose company I have been lucky enough to be introduced. If that sentence didn't quite make it, blame the margarita. 

This weekend will not be lonely, but if it were so, I would do just fine. I have a sewing corner now and an absorbing novel. One thing about this weekend that thrills me though is the return of Brandon and Amanda. It has been a hollow Memphis since they have been gone. I am sure they will both be tan and gorgeous and filled with pictures and stories which will make me jealous and that is alright with me. 

I had no point in writing this. I drove home listening to "Meet Ze Monsta" as loud as I could stand it and it and everything else has put me in a good mood. A publishable good mood.

with my afternoon

I pulled on the green heels I never wear with my black dress and teetered rather than strode into the library. No matter. It had been a long lonely weekend of missed plans and sore throat and napping. This morning brought with it the notion of getting things done and so I strapped on my shoes and went to the library for a couple of hours of teetering and browsing and listening to Lie Down in the Light on my ipod. Something about a trip to the library required shoes and jewelry and beautiful excellent music. I love the library, its long aisles of unexpected topics and familiar titles. I even love this library, the impressive Central library, with all its glass and primary colors. It is lacking these days in new fiction and progressive titles, but maybe it'll come out of its recession soon. On good days, I have my fingers crossed for Memphis. I checked out two cookbooks and two novels. In the parking lot, I ran into a client that I clean for every three weeks. She practically ran across the lot to get to me, lured by my beacon of henna red hair. It is always good to run into someone you didn't even know you wanted to see at that moment.

Now on the porch, barefooted after hobbling so fetchingly up and down library escalators, I have made honey sweet iced tea and started a batch of what should be scorchingly hot sauce from our leftover farmer's market jalapenos. I am feeling strong, perhaps because of the cooling evening and all those humming insects (cicadas?) from over in Evergreen. I am settling into the aloneness, which is probably for the best, since I've got another week or so of it to endure. I'm considering a plan to pull all my sewing supplies out of storage and find some workable way of keeping them out where I can reach them. This morning I pulled out cross-stitch fabric only to realize that my embroidery thread was under god knows how many boxes full of crap. This must change.

Yesterday I saw a movie alone before napping alone and doing not much else alone. All this aloneness is both wonderful and terrible. For now though, the thrum of my own internal pitter patter is more than enough company.